Dear Alex and Audrey,

When you look back on these most recent days please don't think of me as sad. Remember those days that we played in the mud; or the day that we laid on the driveway in the big puddle. Or remember the time we collected 16 cicada shells in 4 minutes and then had to fight the dogs so they wouldn't eat them. Or the time we ran out in the pouring rain and jumped in puddles, or "rivers" as you called them, until we were completely soaked and freezing. Or remember the time that we went to the park to play and Daddy showed up to surprise us and we walked around the pond and watched the ducks. Or what about when we found the baby rabbits under the deck and then we saw a toad hopping with them. Or the time when we took a walk and you told me about how a Praying Mantis was better than a spider because they don't bite you and they eat bugs - and you were "very pleased with them." Or the times that we have painted or made a frog out of a paper sack or played with play-doh. Remember the time when we went to camp meeting and you guys went to "class" and then Alex sang and played the bells in front of everyone. Or the time that we played Caribou until mommy couldn't play it any more. Then there were the times of digging in the dirt trying to find worms that only Mommy would touch but you wanted to see. We looked for skunks but were glad when we never found them. We rode bikes and ran in circles. You even learned that a pirouette is turning in circles. We have been to the zoo and the fair. We have been to the beach and loved it even more than playing the Wii, at least that is what Alex thought. Audrey killed her first minnow at the beach - a milestone I do not wish to repeat ("Why'd I kill dat, Mommy? Why'd I do dat?" I really don't know). We have chased butterflies and crickets and killed our fair share of bugs. We learned that only male cicadas make noises and that striped mosquitoes are called Asian Tiger Mosquitoes and they are very fond of biting you both. We threw water ballons at each other and wrestled to the point of exhaustion. We sang the Badger, Badger song, repeatedly; danced the Hamster Dance...

These are just a few of the things I remember. We've done much more. There has been the sand box, the swings, the trips to the library and park, swimming at the grandparents'. I have loved every minute. So while there have been sad days for Mommy, there have been so many more that have been happy days.

I love you both so very much.

Mommy

This may be why 2-year olds don't usually pick out their own clothes. Let Mommy take a shower and look what Daddy allows. The pink boots are a favorite of Audrey. She likes to wear them all the time. And I usually let her. Picking my battles, that is what it's called.

My Bean is growing up. She now says "Skunk" whereas she used to say "snunk". For example, "I smell a snunk, you smell dat? I not like snunks." I have to remind myself that she is just two. She acts older most times. Then there are those times where she definitely acts her age - she loves talking like a baby and crying for no reason. She has become very good at making herself cry. She has to work at it a bit but she is good.

Alex is doing good riding his bike. It took him a while to decide that using the pedals was faster than pushing himself. Watching Audrey ride his tricycle was all the motivation he needed. Oh how I love the motivation he has to beat his sister. Things that are not a race become an Olympic event. Walking in the store - he gets there first so he wins; eating food - he wins because he takes the first bite. Prayer time is the best (um, not really) he and Audrey will each melt down if they do not get to pray first for our food. Rarely do we have a winner. And then when Alex wins at the other "events" it ultimately leads to an argument about who was really first. Inevitably I become the referee who declares a tie. Soon that isn't going to work as a solution.

Alex now tells people that he is "close to five." True - he is. He is a very smart 4-year old. He and Audrey have taken up painting with watercolors. Thank you, Aunt Em. They love it and are pretty good. Alex also loves to play with our next door neighbor, Tyler. Tyler is 4 just like Alex. Alex keeps a log of how often I have "allowed" him to go to Tyler's house to jump on the trampoline. Never mind the fact that for some time before he played on the trampoline he always said no when he was asked to come over. Somehow that translates into my never letting him play on it except for three times (now four if you count today). Funny how he can remember how many times he has jumped on the trampoline compared to what I just told him to pick up.

Tomorrow, or rather today since it is after midnight, marks 7 weeks since Anaiya's birth and butterfly wings. The sad times seem to come out of nowhere. I really wish that my children did not have to ask me why I am sad. Of course, they ask that if I have just sneezed or coughed, too. The worst part for me right now is the fact that I have nothing physical to remind me of her except for my hips :). It might sound weird but it feels as if it never happened until I look at the pictures. We have her pictures up around the house. I am so thankful that we found Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep to take pictures. The times when it feels so distant the pictures remind me that she was real. It hurts but at least I have something to attribute my sadness to. The sadness isn't too bad most times. It does not overwhelm me. I wish things had been different but they weren't so we continue on. I think my compassion threshold has been increased tenfold. I have learned that loving and losing is definitely better than not loving at all. I have also learned that "His compassions they fail not. They are new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness" Lam. 3:22-23. Thank the Lord that doesn't hinge on MY feelings.

Another day has gone. Today we painted, played outside, jumped on the trampoline, stomped in puddles, ate hot dogs and mac-n-cheese, blew bubbles, played a bit of Wii, watched Bob the Builder, sang karaoke style songs on the TV, wrestled with each other, ate the neighbors' popsicles, and took a nap (or took a fake nap if you were Alex). All in a day's work.