Alex and Audrey reading a book with their Grandma Stanley. The books were gifts from the Giving Tree. The Giving Tree was very exciting for the kids - it kept giving presents!!! Aunt Doris and I discussed how this would be expected next year. It was fun and gave the kids something different to do as this was our 7th and final Christmas celebration of 2008. We had a lot of fun opening a lot of presents. The kids received much more than they should have but were very polite and thanked each person who got them something. At the end of the night I asked Alex what Christmas was all about. He answered, "It's about getting presents and saying Thank you!"

We made our traditional Jesus Birthday cake this year at GG's house. I iced the cake and let the crazy rug rats throw some sprinkles and junk on it. Why not? What is more sugar going to do to them on Christmas?! Audrey was funny this year. It seemed as if everything excited her. Her most favorite was a pair of bright, sparkly, black shoes. They look great with sweat pants! Alex loves his monkey jungle (as he calls it). All I know is that it makes lots of noise.

This year has been topsy-turvey! We started the year expecting a baby and we end the year with a baby in heaven. Alex still assures everyone that we will have another boy. In fact, he has his Sunday School teacher praying for it. I do believe she steps over the line when she prays "for all the babies, in case we have twins or more." Nobody in my house is talking about having babies, at least not the baby bearin' people. We are content to watch Aunt Em and Uncle Aaron grow their new one.

Alex and Audrey have grown much this year. We are now all potty trained - I am speaking for the daddy too! Only night time diapers for Audrey but hey - done at 2 1/2, I can handle that. Alex will begin school this next year and I will have a mini stroke. He is so smart. Maybe he doesn't need to go? I am just kidding for all of you who just gasped in horror. Audrey will be wanting to join school at the same time. There is a high likelihood that she will attempted to do all of his homework. She is very smart too!

We began the year with high hopes and expectations. It is amazing what can transpire in a year's time that changes your life forever. Not in just a cliche way either. I view a lot of things differently now. I hug a little longer, love a little more, look further beyond little problems (most of them). I feel more for others, cry a little more, and still have an Anaiya shaped hole in my heart. As we begin another year I have high hopes and expectations again. They are just a little different. I want to be a better witness to my kids and family. We love you all very much.

Alex and his brand new baby cousin, Elliott Wayne. Alex is very proud. He keeps telling me how he loves babies, especially Elliott because he loves to kiss him. He will just come by and stare at him with a smile. Alex also keeps telling me how we are going to have another baby and he will be named Luigi - not sure about that. Elliott's sister, Lorelai, does not seem to carry the same love for her brother but that will change. Audrey cares for him but she would rather play with Lorelai's toys. Elliott was born November 12th and weighed in at a hefty 8lbs 8oz. At least it seemed hefty to me - Alex was 6lbs 3oz, Audrey was 6lbs 12oz, and Anaiya was 4lbs 6oz.

Speaking of Alex - he has been complaining that his "bouncing bone" is hurting. I was very confused as I have never heard of such a bone. Come to find out he was talking about his femur bone. Apparently that is called a bouncing bone when you use it to bounce over the arm of the couch despite being told countless times to not do it. I am a little concerned about it but I think it is just growing pains. He is certainly growing tall.

Audrey has developed a very suspect cough. She came up to me last night with a persistent cough. "Are you okay?" I asked. "No, I need med-cine," she replied. "Medicine?" "Yes, I need some coffee for my coughs." Her daddy had just made himself some coffee and let her taste it. She put two and two together and came up with coffee for coughs (not chicken thank you, Randy). Her daddy shouldn't have let her taste it since she pretty much likes any food or beverage. The last thing I need is that girl hopped up on caffeine.

Thanksgiving has come and gone and we have so much to be thankful for. Now we are coming up on Christmas - hooray!!! We had some snow that covered the ground the other day. Alex and Audrey loved it. Alex wouldn't leave the window. I kept hearing "AWESOME!!!" from Alex. A little later I noticed that it had gotten quiet and looked toward the window where the kids were. It was then that I heard Alex say, in a quiet voice, "Jesus - God, thank you so much for this snow. Amen." I was amazed. On top of that, within that same hour Audrey came out of Alex's room yelling for me and telling me that she had found a toy that Alex had been looking for. After she had finished telling me of her most important find she bowed her head and said, "Jesus thanks, thanks for helpin' us find Alex's toy, Amem." My heart melted. We have been trying to teach the kids to be thankful...and they shall know you by your fruit.

Alex is learning to read and doing a great job at it. I love to hear him sound out words. His favorite thing to spell is "LegoLuigi" so there you go. Audrey is learning anything and everything. She and Alex both sing One Way or Another by Blondie and On the Road Again by Willie Nelson when we play GH World Tour. Audrey even has a dance to go along with the song. I am so proud of my kids. I love them so much.

We wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a most blessed New Year.

Mario and Luigi. Alex and Audrey. One and the same. Actually Audrey is "BIG" Mario and don't you go saying otherwise. You may have a bruise on your shin. Ok, not really but she is adamant that she is big Mario and not Baby Mario. Of course Alex does not support that argument and he whole heartedly defends his position that YES! She is Baby Mario because she is little and he is big. Yes, I am big (Audrey). No, you are not (Alex). Yes, I am (Audrey). No, you are not (Alex). Yes! (Audrey). No! (Alex) Yes! (Audrey) No! (Alex) Mommmmmmmmmmmmmmy! (Audrey/Alex) He said I was little (Audrey). But she is (Alex). NO, I'M NOT! YES, YOU ARE! At that point I usually run from the room with my hands over my ears and hide in a closet. But they always find me.

The kids had a great time this Trick-or-Treat. We had Trunk-or-Treat at church including a hay ride that Audrey would not get off of. Thankfully I had double layered their clothes because it got a wee bit nippy. Audrey could not be convinced that her chattering teeth would go away if she would just put on her coat. She had to be dragged, kicking and screaming (pretty much literally) inside just so she could warm up. Alex and Audrey then dressed again as Mario and Luigi for the neighborhood Trick-or-Treat at their Granma's and Pop-pop's. Their cousin Lorelai was a cute cowgirl the first night and then a pretty princess the next. We were going for Princess Peach...

It has been over four months since Anaiya's butterfly wings. I find it odd that time seems to stop instantaneously and then mysteriously startup again, full tilt, without you even realizing it. Alex tells me that he is sorry that Anaiya passed away. It makes me smile. How kind and compassionate he is. I didn't even know that he knew of it that way. Although, truth be told, we have had our share of tragedies these past four months. So I suppose it should not be too surprising. Alex says that he wants us to have another baby that stays with us. I keep telling him to pray about it. God only knows what is best and I am not rushing things!

Audrey asks about Anaiya every now and then, especially when she has a balloon. She asked about her the other day when we saw a newborn baby. Those times are the hardest right now. But I rejoice in the joy that others have! Romans 12:15a says "Rejoice with those who rejoice..." It is amazing what your arms miss!! I make up for it by smothering Alex and Audrey with hugs and kisses. I would hug Lorelai too but she doesn't want her Aunt T anymore. Rotten thing.

Lorelai is soon to have her very own baby brother. Aunt Em has not shared the name with us but there is a large consensus that says his name should be Henry Aaron. Granted that consensus consists of two votes so I guess that doesn't matter. Any day now we will know his real name! Lorelai will be a very good big sister. I have seen her take care of her Baby 'Mima (that's with a long "i").

Alex is learning how to read. He is doing really well. He talks about the silent "E" all the time. He always wants to spell something. It is usually something like "OXPQS" and then he asks us, "What does that spell?" Oddly enough, we have no clue. No wonder they start thinking their parents know nothing so early on. They ask impossible questions. He loves math, too. He is always trying to stump me with some addition or subtraction. Thus far he has failed. Give him a few more years and he will have to ask his dad all his math questions. Audrey always gets in on stuff too. She will NOT be left behind.

We miss summer already and the warm days are just three days gone. But fireplaces and hot chocolate make good memories too. We have so much to be thankful for and so often I fail to remember to do so or I find something to complain about. In all that has happened this year let everyone remember that no matter how abandoned we feel/felt, we never are. Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still, and know that I am God.” Be still, be still my heart. The best is yet to come.

This is Alex, Audrey, and their best-est friend ever, Tyler. Tyler just took his trampoline and moved across town. Audrey was sorry to see the trampoline go. But Tyler stopped by the other day to play a bit of Wii and the kids had fun. It was so cute when Tyler left - he had to hug both Audrey and Alex before leaving. I love it when rough-n-tuff boys do little things like that. They try to be so macho too soon.

The picture above is the evening of the "Great Wind Storm". Anytime it gets a little windy now Alex reminds us of how the big storm in the water (Hurricane Ike) brought all of that wind up and he hopes it doesn't happen again. He was a little nervous as we all were. There was a lot to clean up after it was all said and done. Alex and Audrey's grandparents didn't have power for days!! Thank the Lord that we had power not long after it went out.

This next week will be three months since Anaiya went to heaven. Each time Alex and Audrey, and even Lorelai, get a balloon they always let it go so they can send something to Anaiya. Audrey always tells me that Anaiya will come back some day. Innocence - it's wonderful. And it gets lost too soon. Their Aunt Em will be having a baby boy in the next few weeks. They are excited about that. They love babies. Audrey's favorite toy (today) is a puppy that she calls her baby. She walks around with him holding him and hugging him, telling him that she loves him. She has made one of her doll house tables a bottle for the baby. She is very loving. Whenever Alex sees a baby he transforms into this loving, hugging, gooey mess that just wants to hug and smooch on the baby. I just wish it didn't hurt to see it. For those of you whose baby Alex does this to, or will do it to, - it is sad only for a moment. I love to see how loving he is. I love to see how much his eyes light up when he sees a baby. I love the interaction.

Life as I knew it will never be again. But I suppose we can all say that after a major event. Life as I know is good though. We have been blessed beyond measure. Just this week we experienced so many awesome answers to prayer - blessed beyond measure. This week my children have laughed and hugged and kissed a lot - blessed beyond measure. These past months our friends and family have lifted us up in prayer - blessed beyond measure. This year God has held my hand - blessed beyond measure.

Yep, blessed beyond measure.

Another typical day. Eating dirt, it's the best. I thought I would try to catch a bit of the Essence of Audrey.

Dear Alex and Audrey,

When you look back on these most recent days please don't think of me as sad. Remember those days that we played in the mud; or the day that we laid on the driveway in the big puddle. Or remember the time we collected 16 cicada shells in 4 minutes and then had to fight the dogs so they wouldn't eat them. Or the time we ran out in the pouring rain and jumped in puddles, or "rivers" as you called them, until we were completely soaked and freezing. Or remember the time that we went to the park to play and Daddy showed up to surprise us and we walked around the pond and watched the ducks. Or what about when we found the baby rabbits under the deck and then we saw a toad hopping with them. Or the time when we took a walk and you told me about how a Praying Mantis was better than a spider because they don't bite you and they eat bugs - and you were "very pleased with them." Or the times that we have painted or made a frog out of a paper sack or played with play-doh. Remember the time when we went to camp meeting and you guys went to "class" and then Alex sang and played the bells in front of everyone. Or the time that we played Caribou until mommy couldn't play it any more. Then there were the times of digging in the dirt trying to find worms that only Mommy would touch but you wanted to see. We looked for skunks but were glad when we never found them. We rode bikes and ran in circles. You even learned that a pirouette is turning in circles. We have been to the zoo and the fair. We have been to the beach and loved it even more than playing the Wii, at least that is what Alex thought. Audrey killed her first minnow at the beach - a milestone I do not wish to repeat ("Why'd I kill dat, Mommy? Why'd I do dat?" I really don't know). We have chased butterflies and crickets and killed our fair share of bugs. We learned that only male cicadas make noises and that striped mosquitoes are called Asian Tiger Mosquitoes and they are very fond of biting you both. We threw water ballons at each other and wrestled to the point of exhaustion. We sang the Badger, Badger song, repeatedly; danced the Hamster Dance...

These are just a few of the things I remember. We've done much more. There has been the sand box, the swings, the trips to the library and park, swimming at the grandparents'. I have loved every minute. So while there have been sad days for Mommy, there have been so many more that have been happy days.

I love you both so very much.

Mommy

This may be why 2-year olds don't usually pick out their own clothes. Let Mommy take a shower and look what Daddy allows. The pink boots are a favorite of Audrey. She likes to wear them all the time. And I usually let her. Picking my battles, that is what it's called.

My Bean is growing up. She now says "Skunk" whereas she used to say "snunk". For example, "I smell a snunk, you smell dat? I not like snunks." I have to remind myself that she is just two. She acts older most times. Then there are those times where she definitely acts her age - she loves talking like a baby and crying for no reason. She has become very good at making herself cry. She has to work at it a bit but she is good.

Alex is doing good riding his bike. It took him a while to decide that using the pedals was faster than pushing himself. Watching Audrey ride his tricycle was all the motivation he needed. Oh how I love the motivation he has to beat his sister. Things that are not a race become an Olympic event. Walking in the store - he gets there first so he wins; eating food - he wins because he takes the first bite. Prayer time is the best (um, not really) he and Audrey will each melt down if they do not get to pray first for our food. Rarely do we have a winner. And then when Alex wins at the other "events" it ultimately leads to an argument about who was really first. Inevitably I become the referee who declares a tie. Soon that isn't going to work as a solution.

Alex now tells people that he is "close to five." True - he is. He is a very smart 4-year old. He and Audrey have taken up painting with watercolors. Thank you, Aunt Em. They love it and are pretty good. Alex also loves to play with our next door neighbor, Tyler. Tyler is 4 just like Alex. Alex keeps a log of how often I have "allowed" him to go to Tyler's house to jump on the trampoline. Never mind the fact that for some time before he played on the trampoline he always said no when he was asked to come over. Somehow that translates into my never letting him play on it except for three times (now four if you count today). Funny how he can remember how many times he has jumped on the trampoline compared to what I just told him to pick up.

Tomorrow, or rather today since it is after midnight, marks 7 weeks since Anaiya's birth and butterfly wings. The sad times seem to come out of nowhere. I really wish that my children did not have to ask me why I am sad. Of course, they ask that if I have just sneezed or coughed, too. The worst part for me right now is the fact that I have nothing physical to remind me of her except for my hips :). It might sound weird but it feels as if it never happened until I look at the pictures. We have her pictures up around the house. I am so thankful that we found Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep to take pictures. The times when it feels so distant the pictures remind me that she was real. It hurts but at least I have something to attribute my sadness to. The sadness isn't too bad most times. It does not overwhelm me. I wish things had been different but they weren't so we continue on. I think my compassion threshold has been increased tenfold. I have learned that loving and losing is definitely better than not loving at all. I have also learned that "His compassions they fail not. They are new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness" Lam. 3:22-23. Thank the Lord that doesn't hinge on MY feelings.

Another day has gone. Today we painted, played outside, jumped on the trampoline, stomped in puddles, ate hot dogs and mac-n-cheese, blew bubbles, played a bit of Wii, watched Bob the Builder, sang karaoke style songs on the TV, wrestled with each other, ate the neighbors' popsicles, and took a nap (or took a fake nap if you were Alex). All in a day's work.

My little butterfly. She really does look just like Audrey, same cheeks, same eyes, same nose, same hair, same skin color, she even had the same toes! It has been just over three weeks since Anaiya was born. Most days it feels like months have passed. It is amazing how we get accustomed to life changes no matter how difficult the time preceding it was. Accustomed, not okay with! Yep, the hurt is still here. As I have told others I have been surprised by my feelings and thoughts. Although I have been assured that it is perfectly natural and expected for me to feel this way. Another thing that amazes me, especially right now, is that I know God's hand is in this. I am not saying that God is causing this but that He is using this. I am praying that He will reveal everything that I can learn from this. Growth is rarely easy and I want to take advantage of this opportunity.

From the beginning God has been with us. March 8th was a day that will live forever in my mind. There are several reasons: 1.) Alex was born March 8, 2004; 2.) Alex and Audrey were to have a birthday party on March 8th; 3.) There was a blizzard, of sorts; and finally, 4.) It was the beginning of this entire ordeal that began with a trip to the emergency room. God was there in that while the doctor knew there was something wrong with Anaiya, she sent us home to enjoy the weekend. It wasn't until the following Tuesday, the 11th that things began to crumble with a diagnosis of hydrocephalus. And then March 17th, the day of the Irish, it all came to a head. Dates I will never forget...But God was there. Bits and pieces that came together to bring us to here.

You think (prior to a life-altering event like this) that you could never go through it. And if you had to go through it you would collapse mid-way through and people would have to visit you at the funny farm or bury you. Okay maybe that is just me. My mom always said I was melodramatic. In my defense if you visit my house at certain times during the day you may think that I really do live at a funny farm. In spite of all you think you can't handle or you can't go through - you can; especially if God is holding one of your hands.

Audrey and Alex still ask about the baby. "Where is Anaiya? Where did she go?" The questions are asked with such innocence and joy that my heart hurts to the point of exploding when I have to ask, "Now where is she? Where is Anaiya?" The answer is always the same and in that answer I can rejoice because Anaiya is waiting on us - "She's with Jesus, Mommy. What's she doin' with him? Are they playing?" Those answers vary.

Alex and Audrey still want a baby. God only knows what is in store for us. I cannot say never. Who would have ever thought I would have one child, let alone three. Three?! Yes, three. All of whom I love with everything that is within me.

Our sweet baby girl, Anaiya Michelle, made her grand entrance on July 2, 2008. She was with us for just over an hour but that in itself was an answer to prayer. It is an odd feeling to have - relief yet disappointment. For just over 4 months our lives were turned inside out. There was not one day that went by she was not on my mind. In fact, I could say that there was not one minute that Anaiya wasn't on my mind. She was a blessing in so many ways.

I had never completely accepted the fact that being pregnant was a joy. Sorry Alex and Audrey. I love the end result of pregnancy - beautiful children - but the path to their arrival is filled with kicks and punches, bites and flip flops, nausea, aches and pains. This time was different. I learned the joy of pregnancy. Each kick, punch, bite, etc., was a reminder of the life that was within, the life I was protecting, supporting and loving. And at the rate that Anaiya was moving she would have given Audrey a run for her money. Anaiya was a reminder how "fearfully and wonderfully" we are made. To be a woman and to have the chance to carry a child is amazing. Our bodies were made for this...

We prayed and prayed and prayed for a different answer than we received but we also prayed for God's will. I am not sure that I will ever know exactly what God's will was through all of this but I know His will is perfect. It still hurts. I don't understand why but once again I have to go back to Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding." My understanding says what most others say - How can this be what is best? But either I trust Him completely or not at all. I never expected God to trust us so much. That is what He did though. He trusted our faith enough to see it stretched to its limit and yet not fail us.

While we didn't get to bring home a healthy baby girl we still had answers to prayer. We got to hold her while she was alive. Thank the Lord! We know that she heard me because she stirred in my arms as I was saying Audrey's name. She was real. All 4.6 pounds of her. She looks just like Audrey Grace and her daddy. She has been loved from the moment we knew of her and she will be loved forever more. Oh how I love that sweet baby. Oh how I miss her. What I wouldn't do to hold her again, touch her hair, kiss her nose and her elf ears. Ahhh, but there is nothing I can do except to keep going on, keep praying, keep believing - God is bigger than this and because of that we have an exceptionally sturdy place to lean and cry.

She is waiting on us. I'll just give her a little time to get aquainted with her new surroundings.

Thank you to all who have lifted our family up in prayer. There were times I felt those prayers so strongly - times when peace came so unexpectedly. Thank you all for the love you have shown. Perhaps one day I can return the favor. I also want to thank (again) Nancy Jensen, RN with Journey of Hope (The Miami Valley Women's Center). She helped in so many ways. I thank the Lord for the people he sent into our lives when it seemed as if many others had no hope for us. Cassandra was another person at MV Women's Center that lifted my spirits and was definitely used of God as an encouragement. Kimberly Towe of Kimberly Nichole Photography is another one with a heart of gold. Her willingness to volunteer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep is wonderful. She took wonderful pictures and put together a video that captures not only my thoughts through song but gave our family something we will always cherish. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

Alex and Audrey - everytime you see a butterfly, remember those wings - your little sister has them now.

A fun filled day at Young's Dairy. The kids enjoyed it, although Alex will not feed the goats. Audrey, on the other hand, tries to hide a goat in her pocket to bring home each time we visit. They love to go to the goat ice cream place. To the best of my knowledge we are not eating goats nor are we eating goat-made ice cream. I could be wrong. The kids love to go into the barn and see the calves and kids and mother animals. I would think the smell would detour them but not so.

We did not sign Alex up for T-ball this year. It has been rather hectic and he has no interest in even putting on the glove we got for him. He would be the boy out in right field picking clovers or chasing flies. He loves to run and play so our sand box and swing set get used quite often. Thank the Lord for protection to Audrey - Alex loves his swing set so much and loves to swing HIGH and Audrey loves to run while Alex is swinging. Not run out of the way of the swing... so you can imagine the scare we had when she was "bonked" on the head. As I said, Thank the Lord she was ok, just a flesh wound.

The kids finished up VBS (BBS - per the kids) earlier this month. They loved it. My mom has started praying for Alex's kindergarten teacher. I guess Alex was increasingly wound up as the week went on. They loved the songs and the characters. In fact, both Alex and Audrey will say the Bible points all the time, just out of the blue. It will be nap time and I will hear, "Jesus gives us the power to help others! AHA!" or if Alex is almost asleep it is, "Jesus gives us the power to help others about God! AHA!" Alex also has his own interpretation of Amazing Grace - "Amazing grace how sweet the song that saved a wrench like me..." It is really cool to watch them learn. Alex and his daddy are going through his Bible for about the 7th time.

Alex and Audrey are also learning math. They already know all the letters and all of the sounds so now it is off to math. Alex loves it and Audrey is stuck at "eleventeen" which oddly enough comes after fourteen. I guess I should give the rotten two year old some time. Alex is all about adding and subtracting. Here is an excerpt from a very long car ride without daddy, our local mathematican: "Mommy, what is three plus three plus three plus nine?" "Alex, use your fingers...hold up three, now add three..." "Mommy what is two plus two plus two plus two plus two...." You see where I am going with this? Thankfully Audrey hasn't gotten into that yet because she wouldn't stop. Mostly because she would realize I wouldn't want to do it for ever. She is very perceptive, too perceptive.

Audrey looks like a sweet angel and acts like one one-fifth of the time. She is very loving and huggy when she thinks something is wrong. And then there is the rest of the time...while still loving in her own way, she terrorizes the dogs. She tells them that she loves them while choking them. By choking I mean two hands wrapped around their necks. You may think I am exaggerating - but I am not. She has tried to ride Maggie a couple of times. For those of you who are not familiar with our dogs they are Min. Pins weighing in at a hefty 11lbs each. She also terrorizes her brother (of which he is beginning to catch on and return the same) and her cousin Lorelai. Today she took a toy cat so Lorelai couldn't have it. She ran with Lorelai chasing after her, jumped on the chair and threw the cat behind it, then turned and smiled. If my mom tells me she acts like me one more time...

As for other things in life... I am just over 30 weeks pregnant. Large as in a very large something and growing every day. Anaiya kicks and pushes, shoves and bites. We go for an ultrasound in two weeks. Alex and Audrey always talk about the baby. Today Alex told his Sunday school teacher that even though the doctor says the baby is a girl, he knows it is a boy and we will call him Anaiah. Audrey thinks the baby IS my belly button and enjoys poking the baby. She also tells on the baby for kicking. Alex constantly talks to the baby and tells her that he loves her. He hugs my belly all of the time. Some days this makes me sad for I know that we may have to discuss why we do not have a baby at home later on. Thankfully those days aren't too close together. Although I would be lying if I said they were not occurring more frequently.

I know in my heart that this is not, and will not, be in vain. I have discovered and uncovered blessings that I would not have otherwise. Granted, I have had to look a little harder but that is okay. Growth isn't painless. While we will have more information in two weeks as to the condition of the baby I will never regret this time. We so often take life for granted - especially if it isn't ours and if it isn't perfect. While many may have different views or opinions as to our situation - never feel pity for me or my family. It is sad. I cry. But in the end when everything is said and done my faith will be stronger, my family will be stronger, my marriage will be stronger, my relationship with my children will be stronger, and my compassion for others be stronger - no matter the outcome. I don't have faith in God to get me what I want but to get me through in spite of what I want (and without being bitter). Plus it helps to have a personal relationship with the Creator of all things, right? It certainly doesn't hurt. And another thing - we're still waiting, miracles still happen, and it ain't over till the fat lady sings and I'm not singin' yet.

If you click on the above picture you should be able to look closer at Audrey's face. There you will see her yelling at the people she, Lorelai, and Uncle Aaron were beating in the 3rd Annual Daniel W. Shawver Memorial 5K. Quite the trash talker - she is. Although it should be noted that only her daddy and brother were behind them. Thank the Lord for a beautiful day. It was awesome. And we had a ton of people show up - thanks to all who did.

Let's see...an update on Audrey would tell you that she has begun to scream to show her IMMENSE displeasure when things do not go her way. For example, she cannot have a juice box by herself because she just squeezes it to make a mess and then laughs - so she screams when she can't have it. Then there is the ever present gently lowering herself to the floor, grunting and kicking her feet like a small ogre part. Please let it be known that these actions require, deserve and garner swift punishments that no one likes. For the most part she is good. She is just headstrong and knows what she wants. She bothers the dogs every day. Every day! I am convinced that she will be bitten at some point. Surprisingly our dogs are very patient with her. They have nipped at her a couple times but what do you expect when, from another room, you hear, "Gimme dat, I said, gimme dat." I walk in and she is pulling Maggie's leg. Poor dogs.

Alex and Audrey always fight over who will let the dogs out of the kitchen when we get home, or who will let them outside. You would think that WWWIII would require a bigger trigger than that but no. Doggy meltdowns are experienced almost daily. Ahhhhh - or is it ACK?

Alex loves the Wii. In fact, I am letting him play it right now. I know, Mother of the Year. It is very funny to watch him play. I hear him say "Super Mario Cart Wiiiiiiiiiiiii" all the time. His chosen name is Luigi and Audrey can be Mario. That is unless Lorelai is around then the girls have to argue over who is Mario and who is Princess Peach. Neither of them realizes that the Princess is the one with it all. We are planning on signing Alex up for T-ball. I think that is one of my assignments for today. We will see. I just would hate to spend $65 for something he will not play. But I think it will be good to get him in something like that.

Alex is beginning to put letters together to make words. He told me a couple weeks ago that the letters "O" and "N" spell both "on" and "no". I would love to take credit for that knowledge but he surprised me. I guess I should thank PBS and Leap Pad... He is so smart. He loves to add numbers and subtract them. We count all of the time. Hopefully it will be getting warmer and drier soon so we can go outside and play.

As for the other things going on...no news is good news? or is it bad news? Don't know. But I can share a few things with you. One, we have decided on a name for the baby. AND we have decided that sharing it with others will be okay. Her name was chosen for its meaning and it just so happens that it begins with an "A" (really, it's true). The name is Anaiya. The name is a variation of the Hebrew name Anaiah which means God has answered. So there you go - Anaiya.

Two, we have met with perinatal hospice, Journey of Hope, and have been very blessed by the people we have come in contact with - albeit just a receptionist and a nurse. Anaiya moves every day with such force and excitement that it is hard to believe the diagnosis could be true. She has decided that making her presence known is the only way to go. I will say that it is more a blessing than a curse but it does wear on me. It has gotten harder. I thought that as we went through problems we dealt with them better along the way. Unfortunately for me that seems to be reverse. But believe this if there is nothing else for you to believe - I have hope. I know that I am not abandoned (which I feel at times), I know I am not forgotten, nor forsaken. I know that the One who cares about the sparrow cares about Anaiya and our family. I am holding on to a couple of verses in Hosea 11 - I will include the parts that have helped me. Hosea 11:8 & 9 (8)...My heart is turned within me, my compassion is aroused (9)...For I am God and not man, the Holy One in your midst. If you are not familiar with Hosea - God has just been moved by his great love for Israel and decides to take a different course of action. Why? Because He is God and not man! I am praying for a change in diagnosis, I am praying that Anaiya will be 100% whole and healthy. I am also praying that many will move closer to God no matter what the outcome (including me!).

And three - I must go be a mommy and read my children a book instead of letting them play the Wii all day. If anyone has questions or would like to talk about things I am open and willing. We are going through this as a family and ignoring it has not made it go away - I've tried. It is hard, uncomfortable, sad...words cannot express what we feel but we are going through this which means we aren't stopping. We are going all the way and it won't always be so hard.

Right?

I can't decide if Alex is in need of help or if he is hanging on for dear life just for fun. The kids are loving the warmer weather, as am I. It is nice to throw them outside and let them play. Maybe one day I can get the house clean while they are outside. The only problem is Audrey will mostly likely try to escape from the compound the first opening she sees. She climbs on everything. Alex is beginning to follow suit. He just seems a bit more cautious. Thank the Lord neither have been hurt.

Alex is constantly telling people he is four. It is hard for me to believe that he was just three. Time certainly flies. He has made some decisions concerning hygiene that he will NOT do until he is six. I never thought learning to give yourself a bath would be such a thing. I thought we might have issues with deodorant or something but...

He loves to play with frogs, lizards and iguanas or "oguanas" as he calls them. He prefers them in the form of a toy. The poor boy would run away yelling at me if I tried to get him a real iguana to hold. Audrey would touch it and love it until she noticed that Alex wasn't too keen on it. She just told me today that, "My don't like bugs, my don't like ants. Stomp on 'em, mommy!" Should I worry about aggression?

Lately the kids have been a bigger help than they will ever know. Very lovey, very huggy, compassion that you don't see in most adults. I cannot sniffle anymore without Audrey asking me, "Why you sad, mommy? You okay?" And then she will tell me that she loves me and give me a hug and kiss. Alex tells me I am his very bestest friend and that he loves me.

I have been hesitant to write about what we are going through right now because I want this blog to be a journal for the kids to look back on and smile. But life is life. I am currently 21 weeks pregnant with a baby girl. Alex keeps telling us she is really a boy – he does not want another sister. I feel the baby kicking, punching, turning around and I love it. (While I did not let myself enjoy all of these moments with Alex and Audrey, I'd like to think I am making it up to them now :-))

At 16 weeks we were told that our baby girl had many complications. I was/am fine, but they consider her conditions to be fatal. We were also told the same thing at our 20 week ultrasound. The diagnosis is hydrocephalus with severe dandy-walker malformation, four heart issues, and some physical issues. We are in the 1% or less of the population. There have been those who have not been completely supportive of our decisions - all because they love us (except a couple of doctors, there isn't a lot of compassion there). Then there have been those who support us wholeheartedly because they love us too. We have been told to expect a still born baby, or if that doesn't happen to expect the worst right after birth. I will tell you these have been some of the most trying times of my life. Thank the Lord for my two healthy children, and a healthy husband who has been more than supportive of me.

I have discovered a few things about myself in these five, long weeks. I have discovered that my faith has increased. It is not religion that helps me make decisions but faith in God; faith in a God that will not let us down. Oh sure, I feel let down emotionally sometimes but I know I will recover AND I know that we are not alone through this. I also KNOW that God is the only One who is able to turn this tragedy into a miracle. Faith-filled miracles are not just stories that we read in the Bible or some other book, but they happen today. I also KNOW that while God is able to heal this baby to perfection that may not be the plan. Is it hard to accept? Yes, but on a selfish note, I would much prefer God who "knew me before I was born", who knows the future, and who has my best interests in mind (despite what it looks like now) make the final call on this.

Alex and Audrey realize, on some level, that there is something going on. But they are too young to tie it all together. If things go the way the doctors are indicating, we will have to explain things to Alex and I am sure there will be questions. But thankfully, that is a bridge that doesn't have to be crossed until we reach it. I see now that most of the bridges I see looming are a way off. Yes, we need to be prepared for not bringing a little girl home but right now the image of that bridge is like a mirage - we may have to cross it and we may not. The waiting is painful but we are growing as a family through this. And so far I can look back at these last five weeks and say, "It is well with my soul." - for today, for this hour.

And life goes on...

The picture is Audrey with her highlighter lipstick. Quite the pose, too. A diva in the making. How I wish I could be that little again and not know about life yet. Ahhhh, but I can't. Gotta love these kids.

Have you ever wondered how you got to where you are? That is me today. I don't know.

The picture du jour is Alex in his daddy-made igloo. It didn't last long because Alex only wanted to eat the snow so it meant that he ate his igloo. As far as we know or can testify to it was clean snow.

Alex is looking more and more like his daddy. We love to laugh. Lately the kids have been very lovey. It has been quite a help for me. Although I will say that turning two for Audrey means whining - lots and lots of whining. Whining about anything from wanting a cheese stick to wanting to be held to saying "Alex". Turning four for Alex has meant sassing his momma. He doesn't get very far with it but he tries. Today he laid on the floor in front of the door before leaving for church because he wanted to ride in the van. I never realized how that could be so catastrophic. I'm thinking things like world hunger and stuff.

Alex is excited about his new baby. Audrey still doesn't get that there is a baby soon to be arriving. I suppose the more I begin to show the more she will begin to ask questions or poke me. Poking me is the more likely of the two.

I would appreciate everyone's prayers as it seems as if there may be some complications with the baby. Only God knows and I know that He is able. Eph. 3:20 says, "Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory..."

I love these kids more than anything. I cannot believe how much joy they have brought to our lives. Just look at those smiles!

Things I have learned so far this year: You cannot be cool and drive a mini van; a mini van is no good at making donuts in the snow; Audrey is too smart for her own good; and Alex is growing up. Perhaps everyone knew these things. I always assumed number one to be true but I never thought it would be me - go figure.

The picture provided today is of Audrey after she fell in the snow and could not get up because of her "A Christmas Story" outerwear. Please let it be known that I did not take the picture while my daughter was having difficulty righting herself. It was her father. That's right, I said it. He took pictures of her misery. Poor kid. She loves the snow. She actually ran from her daddy as he tried to get her back inside as it was very cold out. Well, run may not be an accurate description but you get the picture. Alex loved the snow until he thought of playing Super Mario Galaxy and snow got in his glove.

Alex is a lot like his dad. In fact, today they are both still in bed sawing logs while Audrey and I are up and about. My good parenting skills are showing through as I update this blog (finally) and Audrey is watching a movie. But in my defense, she is watching a very educational movie about letters and the sounds they make. It is pretty much the only movie that she will sit still through the entire thing. She doesn't sit still much at all. AND she requested the "moobie". So that should have me covered in a court of law.

Alex is excited about the new baby (oh, for those of you who don't know - no. 3 is on the way). He is adamant about it being a new, little baby brother for him to teach how to crawl. A brother - not a sister. I think Audrey has ruined that for him. Before we were expecting he would talk about wanting another brother and sister, mostly a sister. But as Audrey grows into herself he is rethinking the sister route and praying for a brother. He says his name will be either Abraham or Isaac and he will be a boy lizard. For those of you who take exception to either of those names don't worry, it won't be either.

Audrey, on the other hand, doesn't grasp the baby thing just yet. I am sure she will as things progress but for now she is content to carry her naked doll baby upside down through the house, telling it she loves it. Now, there are those days when she will use her shopping cart to chauffeur the baby but even then the poor, naked baby sits on its head. I guess it is a good thing we have until August to improve her mothering skills.

Audrey turns 2 the end of this month and Alex turns 4 eight days later. Every time we go into a store they pick out toys for their birthdays. I can put them off now since their birthdays are so close but what happens after that?! We are combining their birthdays this year. Having two birthday parties two separate weekends is a little much for me. So this year Audrey will have a dinosaur party and next year Alex will have a princess party. It's only fair that they trade off. I am just kidding - we are working it out.

So let's see - 0, 2, & 4. I am not sure I can do it but at this point that isn't an option. I am enjoying the first two so this LAST one should be the same! The movie is to the letter Z...

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!! It has been forever since I have updated everyone. I am sorry for the delay. We had a very nice Christmas. The kids got more than they should have and I didn't get enough... :) We have been so blessed. The kids are growing like weeds. Pants that just fit Alex early in December now are about 2 inches too short. Poor kid. At least his shoes still fit - I think. Audrey is growing up fast too. Way too fast. She is the boss of everything. Or so she thinks. She is very self-assured.

Audrey is on her way to potty training. Sweet! I can't wait. Although, given our recent experience she will do whatever whenever. Bless her heart! You would think she was much older. She now tells Alex what to do. And she always wants to call her cousin, Lorelai. She and Lorelai could talk on the phone for hours, lovely to see that starting so early. Of course, she and Lorelai could argue or fight longer than that.

Audrey thrives on making people laugh. It is interesting how soon kids catch on to that stuff. She loves to do puzzles and color. When asked a color she either says "green" or "pink". It used to be yellow but that has been forgotten. She loves to read and will read you any book you wish. She is a dancer too. When the music starts you better have some floor space for that girl to move or you are in trouble. She is a singer too; and is more than comfortable on stage with a microphone. Watch out everyone!

Alex is funny. Tonight he had to yell for me for a half hour before he would go to sleep. He HAD to show me a picture that I gave him. The "picture" turned out to be imaginary. But he loved it and I had to make him another one before I left and threatened him to sleep. Alex can write his name now. He seems to be very visual as he was looking at letters and just started drawing them. I know, genius, no need to say it. He wrote his name in mirror image the other day. Why, I don't know.

Alex loves to have anything that Audrey has or owns. I guess the birth order grants that right. His favorite Audrey owned toy is whatever Audrey is playing with at the moment. He does like to teach her some things too. He is cute.

I love these kids. Who would have thought that they would fill my heart like they do. Ok, perhaps I wouldn't have thought. And then would have thought that we would add to two? Definitely not me. But here we are, or will be.

I hope everyone had a nice Christmas and we will be praying for you all this year as I will ask from you, too. Life is only going to get more interesting.