Alex is constantly telling people he is four. It is hard for me to believe that he was just three. Time certainly flies. He has made some decisions concerning hygiene that he will NOT do until he is six. I never thought learning to give yourself a bath would be such a thing. I thought we might have issues with deodorant or something but...
He loves to play with frogs, lizards and iguanas or "oguanas" as he calls them. He prefers them in the form of a toy. The poor boy would run away yelling at me if I tried to get him a real iguana to hold. Audrey would touch it and love it until she noticed that Alex wasn't too keen on it. She just told me today that, "My don't like bugs, my don't like ants. Stomp on 'em, mommy!" Should I worry about aggression?
Lately the kids have been a bigger help than they will ever know. Very lovey, very huggy, compassion that you don't see in most adults. I cannot sniffle anymore without Audrey asking me, "Why you sad, mommy? You okay?" And then she will tell me that she loves me and give me a hug and kiss. Alex tells me I am his very bestest friend and that he loves me.
I have been hesitant to write about what we are going through right now because I want this blog to be a journal for the kids to look back on and smile. But life is life. I am currently 21 weeks pregnant with a baby girl. Alex keeps telling us she is really a boy – he does not want another sister. I feel the baby kicking, punching, turning around and I love it. (While I did not let myself enjoy all of these moments with Alex and Audrey, I'd like to think I am making it up to them now :-))
At 16 weeks we were told that our baby girl had many complications. I was/am fine, but they consider her conditions to be fatal. We were also told the same thing at our 20 week ultrasound. The diagnosis is hydrocephalus with severe dandy-walker malformation, four heart issues, and some physical issues. We are in the 1% or less of the population. There have been those who have not been completely supportive of our decisions - all because they love us (except a couple of doctors, there isn't a lot of compassion there). Then there have been those who support us wholeheartedly because they love us too. We have been told to expect a still born baby, or if that doesn't happen to expect the worst right after birth. I will tell you these have been some of the most trying times of my life. Thank the Lord for my two healthy children, and a healthy husband who has been more than supportive of me.
I have discovered a few things about myself in these five, long weeks. I have discovered that my faith has increased. It is not religion that helps me make decisions but faith in God; faith in a God that will not let us down. Oh sure, I feel let down emotionally sometimes but I know I will recover AND I know that we are not alone through this. I also KNOW that God is the only One who is able to turn this tragedy into a miracle. Faith-filled miracles are not just stories that we read in the Bible or some other book, but they happen today. I also KNOW that while God is able to heal this baby to perfection that may not be the plan. Is it hard to accept? Yes, but on a selfish note, I would much prefer God who "knew me before I was born", who knows the future, and who has my best interests in mind (despite what it looks like now) make the final call on this.
Alex and Audrey realize, on some level, that there is something going on. But they are too young to tie it all together. If things go the way the doctors are indicating, we will have to explain things to Alex and I am sure there will be questions. But thankfully, that is a bridge that doesn't have to be crossed until we reach it. I see now that most of the bridges I see looming are a way off. Yes, we need to be prepared for not bringing a little girl home but right now the image of that bridge is like a mirage - we may have to cross it and we may not. The waiting is painful but we are growing as a family through this. And so far I can look back at these last five weeks and say, "It is well with my soul." - for today, for this hour.
