My little butterfly. She really does look just like Audrey, same cheeks, same eyes, same nose, same hair, same skin color, she even had the same toes! It has been just over three weeks since Anaiya was born. Most days it feels like months have passed. It is amazing how we get accustomed to life changes no matter how difficult the time preceding it was. Accustomed, not okay with! Yep, the hurt is still here. As I have told others I have been surprised by my feelings and thoughts. Although I have been assured that it is perfectly natural and expected for me to feel this way. Another thing that amazes me, especially right now, is that I know God's hand is in this. I am not saying that God is causing this but that He is using this. I am praying that He will reveal everything that I can learn from this. Growth is rarely easy and I want to take advantage of this opportunity.

From the beginning God has been with us. March 8th was a day that will live forever in my mind. There are several reasons: 1.) Alex was born March 8, 2004; 2.) Alex and Audrey were to have a birthday party on March 8th; 3.) There was a blizzard, of sorts; and finally, 4.) It was the beginning of this entire ordeal that began with a trip to the emergency room. God was there in that while the doctor knew there was something wrong with Anaiya, she sent us home to enjoy the weekend. It wasn't until the following Tuesday, the 11th that things began to crumble with a diagnosis of hydrocephalus. And then March 17th, the day of the Irish, it all came to a head. Dates I will never forget...But God was there. Bits and pieces that came together to bring us to here.

You think (prior to a life-altering event like this) that you could never go through it. And if you had to go through it you would collapse mid-way through and people would have to visit you at the funny farm or bury you. Okay maybe that is just me. My mom always said I was melodramatic. In my defense if you visit my house at certain times during the day you may think that I really do live at a funny farm. In spite of all you think you can't handle or you can't go through - you can; especially if God is holding one of your hands.

Audrey and Alex still ask about the baby. "Where is Anaiya? Where did she go?" The questions are asked with such innocence and joy that my heart hurts to the point of exploding when I have to ask, "Now where is she? Where is Anaiya?" The answer is always the same and in that answer I can rejoice because Anaiya is waiting on us - "She's with Jesus, Mommy. What's she doin' with him? Are they playing?" Those answers vary.

Alex and Audrey still want a baby. God only knows what is in store for us. I cannot say never. Who would have ever thought I would have one child, let alone three. Three?! Yes, three. All of whom I love with everything that is within me.

Our sweet baby girl, Anaiya Michelle, made her grand entrance on July 2, 2008. She was with us for just over an hour but that in itself was an answer to prayer. It is an odd feeling to have - relief yet disappointment. For just over 4 months our lives were turned inside out. There was not one day that went by she was not on my mind. In fact, I could say that there was not one minute that Anaiya wasn't on my mind. She was a blessing in so many ways.

I had never completely accepted the fact that being pregnant was a joy. Sorry Alex and Audrey. I love the end result of pregnancy - beautiful children - but the path to their arrival is filled with kicks and punches, bites and flip flops, nausea, aches and pains. This time was different. I learned the joy of pregnancy. Each kick, punch, bite, etc., was a reminder of the life that was within, the life I was protecting, supporting and loving. And at the rate that Anaiya was moving she would have given Audrey a run for her money. Anaiya was a reminder how "fearfully and wonderfully" we are made. To be a woman and to have the chance to carry a child is amazing. Our bodies were made for this...

We prayed and prayed and prayed for a different answer than we received but we also prayed for God's will. I am not sure that I will ever know exactly what God's will was through all of this but I know His will is perfect. It still hurts. I don't understand why but once again I have to go back to Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding." My understanding says what most others say - How can this be what is best? But either I trust Him completely or not at all. I never expected God to trust us so much. That is what He did though. He trusted our faith enough to see it stretched to its limit and yet not fail us.

While we didn't get to bring home a healthy baby girl we still had answers to prayer. We got to hold her while she was alive. Thank the Lord! We know that she heard me because she stirred in my arms as I was saying Audrey's name. She was real. All 4.6 pounds of her. She looks just like Audrey Grace and her daddy. She has been loved from the moment we knew of her and she will be loved forever more. Oh how I love that sweet baby. Oh how I miss her. What I wouldn't do to hold her again, touch her hair, kiss her nose and her elf ears. Ahhh, but there is nothing I can do except to keep going on, keep praying, keep believing - God is bigger than this and because of that we have an exceptionally sturdy place to lean and cry.

She is waiting on us. I'll just give her a little time to get aquainted with her new surroundings.

Thank you to all who have lifted our family up in prayer. There were times I felt those prayers so strongly - times when peace came so unexpectedly. Thank you all for the love you have shown. Perhaps one day I can return the favor. I also want to thank (again) Nancy Jensen, RN with Journey of Hope (The Miami Valley Women's Center). She helped in so many ways. I thank the Lord for the people he sent into our lives when it seemed as if many others had no hope for us. Cassandra was another person at MV Women's Center that lifted my spirits and was definitely used of God as an encouragement. Kimberly Towe of Kimberly Nichole Photography is another one with a heart of gold. Her willingness to volunteer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep is wonderful. She took wonderful pictures and put together a video that captures not only my thoughts through song but gave our family something we will always cherish. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

Alex and Audrey - everytime you see a butterfly, remember those wings - your little sister has them now.